


Klaus (and Ben) Gets a Phone

by ATrueDonaldist



Series: Klaus gets sober a bit quicker (thanks, Ben) [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Chatting & Messaging, Crack Treated Seriously, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Minor Original Character(s), Self-Indulgent, but they're trying to get better, but you won't know where :), takes place before during and after fait accompli
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-05 22:19:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18837907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ATrueDonaldist/pseuds/ATrueDonaldist
Summary: FourAnSix:Rude!! and also, benny boy is checking our calenderi have today off!!i asked for it last week, so benji and i could go get celebratory waffles for my one year of sobriety, aren't you proud of me??ThisisBS:iYou asked for a day off two weeks agoyour day off was last week mondayand isn't your anniversary of sobriety next week tuesday?-A chatfic that's somewhat related to Fait Accompli, but not really.





	1. Chapter 1

_**ThisisBS:** _

Klaus, where the fuck are you? It's 10am dude

Klaus.

KLAUS.

_WAKE UP YOU SELF PROCLAIMED OUIJA BOARD_

 

_**FourAnSix:** _

this is ben

and klaus says he's not a self proclaimed oujia board, you are

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

.

 

_**FourAnSix:** _

he says he knows that that was horrible.

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

he knows he has work today, right?

 

_**FourAnSix:** _

does he? he kept telling me we were going to get waffles today for some reason

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

i fucking buy y'all waffles when you get here- where is he??

i'll*

.

ben?

 

_**FourAnSix:** _

I'M HERE, FREEBIE!! I knew I was your favourite employee!!!

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

.

I take it back, i want ben back

 

_**FourAnSix:** _

Rude!! and also, benny boy is checking our calender

i have today off!!

i asked for it last week, so benji and i could go get celebratory waffles for my one year of sobriety, aren't you proud of me??

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

i

You asked for a day off two weeks ago

your day off was last week monday

and isn't your anniversary of sobriety next week tuesday?

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

Klaus?

 

_**FourAnSix:** _

he's sobbing in front of the calender.

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

hi, ben. tell him that he can have his damned day off today, maria came in because she thought she had work today so im stealing her instead

 

_**FourAnSix:** _

will do, thanks


	2. Blackberry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ben gets a phone, Free is tired, and Klaus is Klaus

_**FourAnSix:** _

FREE GUESS WHAT

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

please dont tell me jeff came in and started yelling at customers again

 

_**FourAnSix:** _

i

okay, i won't

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

_F U C K_

 

_**FourAnSix:** _

I'm kidding!!!

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

you

 

_**FourAnSix:** _

:)

anyway, BENJIBABE IS GETTING A PHONE!!

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

Klaus, Ben, I'm excited for you, I really am- and I'ma let you finish, but _with what money_

 

_**FourAnSix:** _

youre such a party pooper

an old lady at our apartment is giving up her old things, which includes this kind of?? rustic lookin' blackberry phone thats apparently actually pretty new

and it can get apps!! so benny is getting discord so he can chat with us without us switching phones all the time!

 

**_ThisisBS:_ **

great

one problem

how is he going to carry it around

 

_**FourAnSix:** _

i

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

why is ben the only one of you two that uses the single braincell you share

 

_Bentacles has joined the server_

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

 

i take it back

 

_**Bentacles:** _

r u d e

and our plan is to have it at home, because if were in troublehe probably wont be using his phone.

 

**_ThisisBS:_ **

Ben, you give mixed results with that braincell.

 

_**Bentacles:** _

its because of klaus, trust me

 

_**FourAnPAN:** _

RUDE

also, like my new nickname B)?

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

s'cool

 

_**Bentacles:** _

i saw you typing it

anyway

free, can we meet up again for korean later?

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

I'd say yes, but im busy all week,, how bout next week though?

 

 _ **Bentacles**_ :

sounds good to me

 

_**FourAnPAN:** _

this is sibling erasure and i wont stand for it

 

_**Bentacles:** _

we're adopted siblings

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

im not even your adopted sibling?

 

_**FourAnPAN:** _

DOUBLETEAMED

im being bullies by my ADOPTED sib and my COULDABEENADOPTED sib

i can't believe this

 

_**Bentacles:** _

hah

 

_**FourAnPan:** _

_d r o p  d e a d_

 

_**Bentacles:** _

wow

low blow bro

 

_**FourAnPan:** _

OH, SO NOW IM YOUR BRO

I THOUGHT WE HAD A SPECIAL BOND, BENNY

I CAN'T BIEVE THIS

BELIEVE*

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

I'm not buying you waffles

 

_**FourAnPan:** _

I AM _HURT_

wait no im sorry i want waffles

 

_**Bentacles:** _

_H a h_

 

_**FourAnPan:** _

im regretting spotting that damn phone

 

_**ThisisBS:** _

get outside you dorks we have thirty minutes

 

_**FourAnPan:** _

LET'S GO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet! These will be better spaced out in the future, I swear- but for now, have these snippets ^^


	3. Spam Calls, Cacti, and Murder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Klaus is bad at not getting murdered (by Free), Ben is tired (this time), and Klaus (probably) regrets everything.

**_FourAnPan:_ **

HEY SO UH FREEBIE ME AN’BEN ARE GONNA BE OUT OF WORK FOR LIKE…

A TWO DAYS

OKAY COOL CYA!

 

**_ThisisBS:_ **

i

what?

Klaus, cOME BACK YOU CAN’T JUST SAY THAT AND LEAVE??

KLAUS

KLAUS???

fuck

God fucking damnit

* * *

 

**_FourAnPan:_ **

Hmmm do you think she’ll let us off the hook??

 

**_Bentacles:_ **

She’s spamming my dms looking for you.

 

**_FourAnPan:_ **

Ah.

Well…

It’ll only be for a week!! We have to go mourn good ‘ol daddio’s death after all

 

**_Bentacles:_ **

She’d probably let us off if you told her the truth?

 

**_FourAnPan:_ **

Ehhhh………….

 

**_Bentacles:_ **

She’s going to murder you in your sleep.

 

**_FourAnPan:_ **

she luvs us too much to hate us!!

 

**_Bentacles:_ **

im not saving your dumbass.

 

**_FourAnPan:_ **

r u d e

* * *

 

**_Bentacles:_ **

Klaus, what the fuck

I can’t believe you actually said “to talk to a customer, press one” dUDE

I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE ACTUALLY PRESSED ONE

 

**_ForAnPan:_ **

I KNOW?? I blame Free for telling me she did it once

GASP

I SHOULD GET HER A GIFT FOR THIS HILARIOUS MOMENT!!

 

**_Bentacles:_ **

what

 

**_FourAnPan:_ **

do you think she likes cacti??

i mean you got her a potted plant once

it died in a week

 

**_Bentacles:_ **

it was a rose

and it wasn’t her fault, she got sick and had to finish her art thing

Why a cactus???

 

**_FourAnPan:_ **

so it doesn’t die!!

The easiest plant to raise is a cactus, after all!

they don’t need water

 

**_Bentacles:_ **

i

She’s gonna take offense to that

 

**_FourAnPan:_ **

she can name it!!

OH NO I SHOULD GET HER TWO SO THE CACTUSI SO THEY WON’T BE LONELYYH

 

**_Bentacles:_ **

I can’t talk you out of this, can I?

 

**_FourAnPan:_ **

_:)_

 

**_Bentacles:_ **

i cant believe thiso;32sfmie93

 

**_FourAnPan:_ **

??????

benny??

benihana???

 

**_Bentacles:_ **

im here

Free ambushed me because i wasn’t paying attention in korean

Free: Why are you getting me a cactus??

 

**_FourAnPan:_ **

i’m getting you TWO, cactuses, and they’re going to be girlfriends

since you didn’t inherit the green thumb your dad has

:)

 

**_Bentacles:_ **

i

she just left the room

it was nice knowing you, bro

 

**_FourAnPan:_ **

psh, she doesn’t know where i a

 

**_Bentacles:_ **

.

klaus?

oof

she’s murdering you isn’t she

free, he’s covering maria’s shift next week, don’t

 

**_FourAnPan:_ **

Hmmmmm you’re right

He’ll live… for now

oh

 

**_Fake Ouija Board:_ **

There we go

;)

anyways i’m gonna go back in, you better have that page read, ben

 

**_Bentacles:_ **

_yes ma’am_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a reminder that the chapters are not going to be in chronological order!! the name changes will probably help with that XD


	4. How I Met Your ______

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Klaus tells how he met Free, Ben is bad at Korean, and Vanya makes an appearance!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how getting a job actually works, so, um. Fake for hire shit!!

**_192-364-7394_** :uh, hey, is this the manager of that retail store from down the street??

 _ **192-364-7394**_ :im wondering about your open for hire poster? do i just walk in and you'll interview me or something? 

 _ **192-364-7394**_ : uh. di you need my social security card??

 _ **192-364-7394**_ : do*

 _ **Me**_ : No, you're fine. Come to the store and we'll talk it out there.

 _ **192-364-7394**_ : Okay cool thanx

 ** _Me_** : No problem, hope to see you soon!

 _ **192-364-7394**_ : big same alrighty

* * *

 

_**Four and Pan BBEY** _

and that's how I met freeee!!

 

 _ **ViolasAreShit**_ :

that's... nice?

also whos free?

 

 _ **violasareTHEshit**_ :

they're klaus' boss at the retail store he works at

they're cool, we learn korean together

 

 _ **ViolasAreShit**_ :

ben, i hope you know i'm never forgiving you for having that as your nickname

and oh, can you teach me too? I've been meaning to try and learn a new language

 

 _ **Four and Pan BBEY**_ :

heyehehehyey, bennys teaching mE FIRST

 

 _ **ViolasAreShit**_ :

he can teach both of us

 

_**violasareTHEshit:** _

correction: i can't teach anyone anything because i'm actual trash at korean still

ask free

 

_**Four and Pan BBEY:** _

can't

she's still angry at me for skipping work that one week

 

_**violasareTHEshit:** _

wait

the week we took off to  _stop the apocalypse_ _?_

 

 _ **Four and Pan BBEY**_ :

yea

 

 _ **ViolasAreShit**_ :

oh

sorry

 

_**violasareTHEshit:** _

_why are you sorry???_

 

 ** _Four and Pan_   _BBEY_** :

benji babe, remember who you're talking to and rethink your question

 

 _ **violasareTHEshit**_ :

point taken

still though, you shouldn't be sorry?

 

_**ViolasAreShit:** _

habit,, sorry

 

_**violasareTHEshit:** _

don't say sorry!!!

 

_**ViolasAreShit:** _

_i'm sorry_

 

 _ **violasareTHEshit**_ :

.

sigh

 

_**Four and Pan BBEY:** _

this is like watching who's on third hehe

 

_**violasareTHEshit:** _

never mention that again

actually

 

 _ **whosonthirdisshit**_ :

there we go

 

 _ **Four and Pan BBEY**_ ****:

i can't believe you knocked comedy gold

 

 _ **whosonthirdisshit**_ :

i can't believe you think thats comedy gold

 

 _ **ViolasAreShit**_ :

This is a very riveting conversation but i have practice now so i need to go...

 

 _ **whosonthirdisshit**_ :

ah, okay vanya have fun!

 

 _ **Four and Pan BBEY**_ :

knock em dead!!!

 

 _ **whosonthirdisshit**_ :

word choice

 

 _ **Four and Pan BBEY**_ :

oop

BREAK A LEG!!!

 

 _ **ViolasAreShit**_ :

haha i'll do my best

thanks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god im so sorry fait accompli and this text fic have just been... dead--the chapter is supposed to be longer but I wanted to push this out sooner rather than later.  
> I promise I'm not DEAD but I can't promise updates any time soon--its the law of my mind that refuses to follow any schedule... but I'll try my best! thanks guys!


End file.
